Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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