and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
