eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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