it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
