she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
