if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
FUCK WHALES
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
