dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
