I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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