i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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