i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize