i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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