If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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