she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
