shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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