When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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