He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
