he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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