So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
she peed on how many people?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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