Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
