my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
