Just fell off a train. Bad.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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