we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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