They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
