Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
