Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
