i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
