shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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