i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
