i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
