so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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