Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
