So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize