Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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