She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
