She went from zero to smokin in five shots
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
