I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
