someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
