Fuck appropriateness.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
