Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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