I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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