You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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