did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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