just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
