i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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