Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
