my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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