Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
