Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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