fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't deserve a penis
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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