sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
