Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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