Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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