I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
