Small penises have feelings too.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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