two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
