i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
