I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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