Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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