The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I would ride that face into the sunset
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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