hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
