Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
