Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My pussy is not your playground.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
