it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize