genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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