i can't believe i had my finger in that
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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