if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
