Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
