I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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