honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
