hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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